By Keven Galolo 
Key Takeaways
- Treat every message as a bid for attention, and answer it.
- Reply to the subtext, not just the words.
- Ask follow-up questions; they make people like you more.
- Go a little deeper instead of reaching for random topics.
- Missing a bid hurts more than a clumsy reply.
The chat was going great. Then you typed “haha” and froze. On a text-only site, you don’t have a smile, a voice, or a photo to rescue you. You have a blinking cursor. I think that panic makes people grab the dullest question available. Here’s a better way to think about it. Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist who co-founded the Gottman Institute, helped coin the term “bids for connection.” His idea fits text chats better than you’d expect.
Why Chats Go Quiet
Here’s my hot take: you rarely run out of topics. You run out of attention. Every message your match sends carries a hook, and most people scroll right past it. That’s an easy fix, which is the good news.
Gottman calls those hooks bids. A bid is any attempt to get attention, affirmation, affection, or another positive connection. Bids come with text and subtext. “Long day” is the text. “Please ask me about it” is the subtext. In a text-only chat, the words are all you have, so reading them well is your edge.
Gottman’s Three Responses
Gottman describes three ways to answer any bid. Only one keeps the chat alive.
Turning Toward
Turning toward means engaging with the bid. They write, “Ugh, Monday.” You answer, “Rough one? What happened?” That’s it. You’re showing interest, and the chat has fuel again.
Turning Away
Turning away means missing the bid. You reply “lol” or jump to a new topic. Gottman says this can hurt even more than rejection, because it leaves the other person nothing to work with.
Turning Against
Turning against means rejecting the bid, like a sarcastic “Why would you care about that?” It stings, but Gottman notes it at least leaves room for repair.
Follow-Up Questions Win
Researchers studied live conversations, and speed daters with more follow-up questions earned more second dates. A follow-up question is just turning toward with a question mark.
Picture it. They say they’re baking bread at midnight. “Nice” ends the chat. “Midnight bread? What’s the emergency?” keeps it going.
The usual mistake is the interview trap. Five fresh questions that ignore the answers feel like a form, not a chat. One follow-up beats five new topics.
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Go a Little Deeper
Small talk feels safe, but it’s a poor place to stay. In a series of experiments, people overestimated how awkward deep conversations with strangers would be. Text makes depth easier, because nobody sees you blush. Swap “What do you do for fun?” for “What’s something you changed your mind about lately?”
Depth doesn’t mean trauma on message three. It means one real question that shows curiosity. I’d ask what they’re weirdly good at, or what small thing made their week. Be a little brave. The downside is small.
READ ALSO: Tips for Engaging Conversations That Build Connection
Your Text Chat Toolkit
Keep these five moves in your back pocket. Use whichever fits the moment.
- Scroll Up: Reread their last three messages and pick the most interesting detail.
- Echo and Ask: Repeat one detail, then ask how or why.
- Share Back: Answer your own question in one line so it feels balanced.
- Name the Bid: Say it playfully, like “Bid for your attention: tell me more.”
- Park the Pause: A short gap isn’t failure, so wait or send a light “brb, tea.”
I’d practice one move per chat until it feels natural.
Learning how to keep a chat going when you run out of things to say is mostly about attention, not cleverness. Gottman’s bids give you a simple lens: every message holds a hook, and your job is to turn toward it. Follow up on a detail, go one level deeper, and don’t panic about quiet moments. Some chats still fade, and that’s okay.
Not every match is a match. This post is general advice, not therapy. In your next chat, reread their last message and ask one follow-up question about the most interesting detail.
FAQs
What Do You Say When You Run Out of Things to Talk About?
Reread their last few messages and follow up on one detail. Ask how, why, or what happened next. Their own words are your best topic list.
How Do You Keep a Text Chat From Dying?
Reply with substance, not one-word answers. Ask follow-up questions, share something small about yourself, and show real interest in their answers. Balance matters more than speed.
Is It Okay to Leave a Silence in Chat?
Yes. Short gaps are normal, since people have lives. If the pause runs long, send something light that’s easy to answer, like a quick question about their day.
What Are Good Deeper Questions to Ask?
Try “What’s something you changed your mind about?” or “What are you weirdly good at?” Pick questions that invite stories, not yes-or-no replies.
When Should You Let a Chat Go?
If you’re doing all the work and they keep giving one-word answers, move on. A good chat takes effort from both people.